It starts with Honey Boo Boo, Gangnam Style, and Superstorms and I am not Afraid

photo(8)The End of the World has come and gone. For the world coming to an end, the day passed rather quickly, the sun was out a little in the afternoon and generally were it not for the clot of jokes on the book of face, no one would have known that this was part of any calendar’s ending/resetting/conclusion, etc. For a culture obsessed with bullshit and unaware of so many cultures, histories, and ethnographic tomes, it is surprising that a fucktarded population would invest in the Mayans not knowing what year of the Hebrew calendar, the Augustinian, or any other calendar started or ended or understand that Chinese new year is different from the Western and that most of you rats are pig or horses or fatass babies or that you dragons are monkeys or pigfuckers or whatever.

Holiday seasons have entered their countdown of impending doom, the sales figures from our consumer orgy, the speculation on sales of 2013 light-up glasses and plastic dog shit that sings “ringle rells,” and the stately lowering of a ball in a certain square that now has carved upon its sacred side the name of Dick Clark the entertainer who has been with us since 1569 to tell us what bands are hot and perhaps Honey Boo Boo also has a name enshrined as marking the year that reality TeeVee finally shit the bed or we find out that she is really a he and he is 18 and a midget pornographer and the “mother” is one of those AquaAdvantage Salmon®. Our year is ending and the government has been getting increasingly strange at all levels. A slight erosion of rights here and there…. But these are a footnote to the all-consuming Fiscal Cliff™ a series of changes that will not change anything except for those who it may change things for so don’t change that channel because the House or Senate doesn’t have a Honey Boo Boo… yet, but they are working on it. As we watch we all know the rich will remain in control and you, bub, will remain the holder of their notes, the collateral for their bonds, the maintainer of the system of support whether that is individuals of said 1% in the flesh or their eternal vessels, the corporations. The big O has been elected. More bombs are dropped on children overseas as we again contemplate bans enacted every few decades and then forgotten and an increasingly strange and sick society turns out more and more monsters who no longer lurk in the shadows but run on rampage in real life and are the “bad guys” or who pretend to rampage on the screen and win Oscars™ and are painted as the “good guys.”

Along with father going into one of his fits on atheism and mobility devices in assisted living communities, uncle face planting into the coy pond, and way too many hugging sessions of the porcelain microphone for yourself, the ancient tradition of looking at the year back and looking ahead and making wild predictions has come too. Not to be outdone by other authors and thinkers, journalists with bona fide degrees and crazy lone bloggers living in their mother’s basement (full disclosure, I live in my own basement) this author will too address the year in review as well as look ahead and forecast events alarming and upcoming with the accuracy being in the wash, with the post serving as some record of my success since, I mean, I can’t just edit the text at a later date and hope no one took a screen shot….

A look back would be one of storms, fires, earthquakes, storms, shootings, more shootings, financial misdeeds, financial misdeeds going unpunished, Occupy Wall Street deflating, and Gangem Style video reaching a billion views. That is a billion, which if represented by genetically modified salmon stacked end to end would circle something rather large or a stack of one dollar bills would reach up very high.

A look ahead to predictions – we know…. This is the fun stuff…..

photo(9)A really cold winter. Beginning about February or late March and lasting until August or September. Snow fall may be increased for the Northeast but not unusual if we look at historical records. Like the ice age. Elsewhere in the world, the usual earthquakes and storms, but nothing we need create a UNICEF fund over….

Guns start the next civil war in this country. Just kidding. Not guns, but people start the civil war. This war won’t look like the Ken Burns documentary no –

My Dearest Polly, We struggle against the enemy and all I think of is you and our home. There is nothing in this country to distinguish one location from another Polly, we march, set camp, tend the horses and the wounded men, and then fight on another farm, another grey forest, another town that was burned before we reached it. Oh Polly… Etc…

This civil war will be like a thousand Branch Davidian Compound raids here and there. This war will be asymmetrical because I enjoy using buzz words like asymmetrical, and the US military and militarized police force has come to hate the civilians and like to think of themselves as the “good guys” with guns because they grew up on Star Wars movies that took off from Westerns that took from…. And they won’t have a ban on the size of their clips, guns, or the ability to search homes or people they suspect of so many new crimes. Maybe this year the Thought Crime will jump from China and make it big over here. We have imported so much shit from that National Socialist People’s Republic, it is about time we imported their fascism… except with an American face, sir.

Another storm. Huge. Several huge storms. One storm is goin’ be like “mmmm hmmm” and ‘nother storm be like “huuuu uuuuhhhh” and both storms be like “hells no” and both like “fuck yeah” and then they battle and become Megatronstormacyclenado. Yeah, a gimmie I know, sort of like saying it will be dark at night these days, however, these storms will continue to chip away at our paper tiger economy and stress local governments. But I call Megatronstormacyclenado™ in case the Weather Channel attempts to name a passing shower or cold front after that name….

Frankenstein Fish, plants and chickens increase in numbers and the population is split along a food class division. Those who grow or buy real organic food, and those who eat Frankenfoods. However, those who eat the Frankenfoods…. They have superpowers, so you hippies are about fucked when it is time for the epic battle….

Fracking increases in poor areas and is prevented in rich ones. Again, a gimmie.

Toy Story 7, Madagascar 10, Ice Age 17, and a remake of the 2012 film The Hobbit, an Unexpected Adventure hit the screen because we have run out of the ability to make things an can only remake or franchise.

Whatever happens with the Fiscal Cliff, whatever solution They come up with… you will be screwed.

Keep your EOTWAWKI dry and your SHTF hard kids, 2013 will be a… year.


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